The studio was dark, flickering with the soft glow of enchanted lanterns that dangled from the ceiling, casting eerie shadows across the room. Rumplestiltskin was twirling a knife between his fingers, a wicked grin plastered on his face as he leaned forward, clearly itching to cause trouble. Alice, in her usual elegant madness, had one empty teacup in hand and the other poised over the teapot, watching with an unamused gaze as Loki sprawled lazily in his chair, a sly smile playing on his lips.
"Today, darlings," Alice began, her voice syrupy sweet, "we dive into a real piece of work. The Robber Bridegroom. Don’t let the title fool you. This one’s not a fairytale about a dashing rogue and a damsel in distress. No, no... it’s darker than that." She gave a dramatic pause, her eyes twinkling with mischief. "So, gather 'round, mortals, for a tale of blood, betrayal, and questionable romantic choices."
Rumplestiltskin let out a laugh, low and menacing. "Ah, yes, the Robber Bridegroom. A charming fellow, if by charming you mean a man who eats people and hides it under the guise of a 'romantic suitor.' Honestly, how does anyone fall for this nonsense?"
Loki raised an eyebrow, tapping his fingers together in a slow rhythm. "Really, though, what kind of idiot goes to meet her 'future husband' in the middle of nowhere at his creepy house full of cannibals? Doesn’t exactly scream ‘dream wedding,’ does it?" He snorted, clearly amused by the absurdity of it all. "But sure, let's hear how she ends up at his ‘house of horrors.’"
Alice clicked her tongue, swirling the empty cup as though savoring the chaos she was about to unfold. "So, this lovely bride-to-be... well, she’s all set to meet her betrothed. A man she barely knows, mind you. But you know how these things go, right? Romanticized by the fact that she’s a lovely young woman, and he’s a man of mysterious means. She’s got this whole ‘he’s gonna sweep me off my feet’ vibe going on. Spoiler: not the best idea." She smirked at Loki, and he gave a knowing shrug.
Rumplestiltskin leaned in, his smile widening. "The best part is, he pretends to be a well-to-do gentleman, but in reality, he’s the leader of a band of robbers and murderers. The whole ‘I’m a suitor’ bit is just a ruse to lure her into his little trap. He’s got his eyes set on a nice feast."
Loki shook his head, clearly in disbelief. "Come on! That is where she should’ve gotten a hint. I mean, what kind of person invites their fiancée into their ‘home’ and says, ‘Oh, here, meet my cannibalistic friends who love a good roast?’ Seriously. No one? No one should be that trusting." He mock-pouted. "She’s practically begging for disaster."
Alice shot him a look, raising an eyebrow. "Exactly. So our lovely bride, full of innocent curiosity and all too eager to please, arrives at his... let’s call it his ‘castle of doom,’ and what does she find? Blood stains. Human bones. A really unsettling vibe. What does she do? Well, like any rational woman would, she hides when the man—oh, the charming man—gets to work... grinding up body parts for dinner." She gave a shudder, clearly delighted in all the gore. "But did she leave? Oh, no. She stayed. Probably because love makes you do silly things, like ignore the fact that your fiancé is a homicidal lunatic."
Rumplestiltskin snickered darkly. "And the fun doesn’t stop there. She watches as the groom, surrounded by his 'friends,' starts preparing the feast—human flesh for dinner, no less. And she doesn't just run away. No, no, she’s got plans. She sneaks out, ties a bloody, severed finger to her hand, and... voilà , he buys it! He thinks she’s dead. But in reality, she’s ready to expose him for the monster he is. Oh, the delicious irony." He let out a low chuckle. "Not to mention her clever sister who helps her escape. Clever girls, if you ask me."
Loki leaned forward with a gleam in his eyes. "The best part, though? The revenge. Oh, you know I love a good scheme. So, after a good deal of skulking around and almost getting murdered by the psycho, our girl does what any self-respecting woman would do: she runs him through." He grinned wide, almost childlike in his excitement. "And her lovely little revenge comes when his crimes are exposed. The band of robbers is taken down, and the bride-to-be? She gets the last laugh. See, when you mess with the wrong girl, you're bound to end up a roast."
Alice leaned in, swirling her cup one last time. "Oh, she really serves him cold, doesn't she? What’s that saying? ‘Don’t invite someone to dinner if you’re planning to eat them later’? Well, this guy should've gotten the message. But no. He didn’t listen. And she didn’t waste a single second getting rid of him. I guess you could say his fate was... sealed."
Rumplestiltskin grinned, the glint in his eye sharper than ever. "So, in the end, what's the moral of this story, my dear, sweet listeners? Don’t mess with people who aren’t afraid to fight back—especially when they’ve got a handy sister and a clever escape plan."
Loki stretched out, arms behind his head, eyes sparkling. "And maybe don’t get married to someone who cooks for a living—if you know what I mean." He grinned like a cat with a fresh kill. "That’s how you end up with a bloody mess, darling."
Alice smirked, raising her cup in mock toast. "Exactly. This isn’t some fluffy ‘dream wedding.’ This is grim fairy-tale material at its finest. And honestly? It’s far more fun when the bride is the one who walks away with a happy ending."
Rumplestiltskin let out a chuckle. "The only thing I love more than a good wedding is watching the groom get what’s coming to him. And in this case, it's justice served on a silver platter. Well, minus the ‘wedding cake’ part."
Loki grinned, shaking his head. "So, what’s the verdict, my friends? Is this a tale of revenge? Or is it just another cautionary tale about not trusting men who think ‘cannibalism’ is an acceptable hobby?"
Alice leaned back in her chair, a smile as sharp as a blade. "A little bit of both, I’d say. But one thing’s for sure—our bride? She’s no damsel in distress. She’s a woman who knows exactly how to deal with a monster when she meets one. And that’s the kind of ending we can all appreciate."
The Verdict: The Robber Bridegroom is the epitome of a tale gone horribly wrong—but with a twist. It’s about revenge, justice, and the rise of the underdog who’s smart enough to escape death and make the bad guy pay. One for the books, if you ask us. But maybe keep this one away from the young ones... unless you want them second-guessing every potential suitor.
Yeah great ending right survival, "She’s no damsel in distress. She’s a woman who knows exactly how to deal with a monster when she meets one." Yeah, well that's not true!
Let's set the record straight and take a much darker spin on the tale, the way it was meant to be. No sugarcoating, no rewriting history to make it prettier.
Well, Here’s the real version, where the bride doesn’t become a hero or an accidental survivor—she faces the horror, and justice isn’t a happy ending but a grim reckoning.
The Immortal Gazette: The True Tale of The Robber Bridegroom
Alice tossed her teacup to the side, the glass shattering on the stone floor, sharp shards scattering in every direction. The air in the room felt thick, heavy with magic, as the smoldering lanterns flickered low. There was a tense silence for a moment before she spoke again, her voice cold, sharp as a blade.
"Alright, let’s cut the sweet talk. This story isn't the fairy tale you think it is. This one doesn't end with a heroic escape or some justice served. It’s darker than that. A lot darker."
She paused, eyes narrowing as she looked around at the others, daring them to challenge her. Rumplestiltskin raised an eyebrow, an amused smirk tugging at his lips, while Loki stretched lazily in his chair.
"Let’s go back to the beginning," Alice continued, not bothering to wait for their usual banter. "We’ve all heard the basics: The lovely, unsuspecting bride, her mysterious betrothed, and his ‘charming’ home full of men who are anything but. But here’s where the fun starts: our bride? Not so lucky."
The dim light caught on the edge of her teeth as she smiled cruelly, turning to Rumplestiltskin. He leaned in, a low chuckle slipping from his throat, eager for the darker twist.
"You see, the bride is too trusting—she shows up, dressed in her finest, excited for what she believes is the beginning of a new life. But the groom? He’s not the dashing knight she imagined. He’s a monster, a criminal, a robber leading a band of killers. But it’s not just that—he's a cannibal too. And he doesn’t just want her as a wife. No, no. She’s just the next meal in his twisted game."
Loki clicked his tongue in mock sympathy. "Poor girl didn’t know what was coming, did she?"
"Not at all," Alice replied, her tone heavy with dark amusement. "When she first walks into his home, she sees the grand dining room, the fine tablecloth, and the silver cutlery. It all feels so wrong, but she’s too naïve to trust her instincts. Then the screams start. One by one, the poor souls he’s already captured meet their end in the same sickening way. And all the while, he’s pretending to be this suave gentleman, telling her to stay, sit, relax." She scoffed. "But it’s just a game. A sick, twisted game."
"Let’s get to the good part," Rumplestiltskin said, eager for the bloodshed. "When our lovely bride realizes what’s going on, she doesn’t get away—no, no. She hides. She tries to survive. She tries to act as though she’s too terrified to move, too stunned to scream. And that’s when she sees it. The corpse—freshly butchered, already hanging by a rope. A reminder of what she’s about to become."
"Now, she does get a bit of a moment," Alice conceded. "She has the thought to try to escape, to run, but let’s be real here. She never gets out. And the only reason she survives this long is because the groom doesn’t know who she is—he thinks she’s just another innocent little victim. But when she tries to make a break for it, he catches her. And that’s when the real horror begins."
Loki clicked his tongue again, a smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth. "So she doesn’t get away after all? Let me guess—she gets chopped up with the rest?"
Alice’s expression was cold as she nodded. "Exactly. She’s nothing more than a meal to him in the end. No clever sister, no daring rescue. Just a body for the pot. That’s the way it goes."
Rumplestiltskin licked his lips, the idea of a feast clearly piquing his interest. "But here's where it gets fun," he said, leaning in. "The rest of the band—those men—are just as vile. They’re the ones who enjoy the hunt, the chase, the thrill of it all. They're all in on the feast, and when they finally realize she's not going anywhere... well, they're not above a little added entertainment, if you catch my drift." His grin was dark and wide, the idea sending shivers down everyone’s spine.
Alice let out a soft, wicked laugh. "That’s the real ending, darlings. No happy endings. No justice. No escape. She’s just another body in the pile, and her family? They'll never see her again."
Loki's expression grew more somber. "And the groom? Oh, he doesn't get caught. Not right away. He's too clever for that. But eventually, someone—someone important—figures it out. The band is hunted down, one by one. But not because of any brave bride who escaped. No, no. It’s a long time before justice is served. And by then, it’s too late for her."
"Exactly," Alice murmured, eyes glinting with malevolence. "The bride is lost. The groom goes on, feeding off others, hiding behind his charming face and his lies. And that, darlings, is how the story should really end."
"So what's the lesson here?" Loki asked, stretching with exaggerated effort, as though he wasn’t quite sure how to end it.
"The lesson, my dear Loki," Alice said, "is that not every bride lives happily ever after. Not every villain gets what’s coming to them. And sometimes, the true horror isn’t the monster—it’s the helplessness of knowing you’ve already lost."
Rumplestiltskin leaned back, letting out a breath. "And maybe the lesson is, don’t trust anyone who invites you into a house full of blood and bones."
Loki snorted. "A bit late for that advice."
Alice smirked, the flicker of the lanterns casting shadows over her wicked grin. "It’s always too late. For some."
The True Verdict:
The Robber Bridegroom isn't some story of heroic survival or clever escapes. It’s a tale of naiveté, betrayal, and the horror of facing a future that isn't the fairy tale we all imagine.
The bride? She didn't get out. She was just another meal to a monster with no conscience.
Justice? It comes far too late for anyone to care.
It's a warning: sometimes, the monsters we least expect are the ones who wear the most charming faces.
