Hermes: The Swift-Footed Messenger and Mischief Maker | The Immortal Gazette
The Immortal Gazette studio was buzzing—literally. A swarm of enchanted paper birds flitted around the room, delivering notes, knocking over ink bottles, and generally making a mess. Alice sat at the center of it all, utterly unbothered, sipping her tea as if chaos was just another Tuesday.
“Alright, darlings, today’s feature: Hermes—the winged wonder, the prankster prince, the god of speed, thieves, and making sure your messages get there—eventually.”
Loki, lounging with his usual air of smug amusement, smirked. “Ah, finally. A god I can respect.”
Rumple scoffed. “Respect? Please. He’s you, but with a government job.”
Alice grinned. “True! Hermes was the Olympian postman, but with way more crime.” She leaned forward. “Let’s take it way back—to the very moment he was born.”
Loki raised an eyebrow. “Let me guess—he was pulling off cons before he could crawl?”
Alice smirked. “Oh, better. He was literally stealing before he could walk.”
Rumple snorted. “Of course he was.”
Alice set down her teacup dramatically. “So here’s the scene—Hermes is born, and before his mother, Maia, can even process the whole ‘I have a divine troublemaker for a son’ thing, the little guy sneaks out of his cradle and wanders off.”
Loki grinned. “And what’s the first thing he does?”
Alice’s eyes sparkled. “Steals Apollo’s entire herd of sacred cattle.”
Rumple choked. “I—HOW?”
Alice leaned back, grinning. “Oh, he was clever. He made them walk backward to hide their tracks.”
Loki burst into laughter. “That is brilliantly annoying.”
Alice nodded. “Apollo was furious. Imagine waking up, realizing your prized divine cattle are missing, and the only suspect is a literal newborn.”
Rumple rubbed his temples. “And I assume Apollo went to Zeus?”
Alice grinned. “Oh, absolutely. Apollo stormed to Olympus, baby Hermes in tow, demanding justice.”
Loki smirked. “And what did Hermes do?”
Alice’s grin widened. “Played innocent. He looked Zeus right in the eyes and said, ‘Me? A tiny, helpless baby? Steal cattle? Surely not, dear father!’”
Rumple shook his head. “Oh, I hate him.”
Loki chuckled. “Oh, I love him.”
Alice continued, “Zeus, of course, saw right through him—but he found it hilarious. So instead of punishing Hermes, he gave him a job—‘Since you like running around so much, you’re now the official messenger of the gods.’”
Rumple groaned. “So... he failed upwards?”
Alice smirked. “You bet he did. Hermes became the god of travelers, merchants, thieves, tricksters, and anyone who needed to get somewhere in a hurry.”
Loki raised an eyebrow. “And let’s not forget his other jobs.”
Alice grinned. “Oh, right. Not only was he the Olympian FedEx, but he was also the psychopomp—the one who guided souls to the Underworld.”
Rumple looked intrigued. “Wait—so Hermes worked for both Olympus and Hades?”
Alice nodded. “Yep! He’s the only god who could move freely between worlds—Olympus, Earth, the Underworld—you name it. He was neutral, fast, and always knew things before anyone else.”
Loki smirked. “So, essentially, a divine informant.”
Alice grinned. “Exactly. If Olympus had a rumor mill, Hermes ran it.”
Rumple sighed. “And I assume he never stopped stealing things for fun?”
Alice laughed. “Oh, absolutely not. He stole Aphrodite’s girdle, Zeus’s scepter, Poseidon’s trident, and even Hades’ cap of invisibility—which, by the way, he used to pull off even more heists.”
Loki whistled. “Hades let that slide?”
Alice shrugged. “Well, Hades actually liked Hermes. He was one of the few gods who didn’t annoy him.”
Rumple smirked. “Probably because Hermes actually did his job instead of causing massive disasters.”
Alice chuckled. “Exactly. And speaking of disasters—one of Hermes’ best tricks? Inventing the lyre.”
Loki grinned. “Ah, Apollo must have loved that.”
Alice smirked. “Oh, he didn’t. But once Hermes played it for him, Apollo was so impressed, he agreed to trade—Hermes gave Apollo the lyre, and in return, Apollo let him keep the stolen cattle.”
Rumple stared. “So let me get this straight—Hermes stole Apollo’s cattle, lied about it, got a divine promotion, invented an instrument, and then traded it to keep the stolen goods?”
Alice clinked her teacup. “Correct. Masterclass in hustling.”
Loki grinned. “I told you, I like this one.”
Alice nodded. “Hermes was the ultimate trickster, but also the one Olympian you actually wanted on your side. If you were lost, in trouble, or needed a divine loophole? Hermes was your guy.”
Rumple sighed. “Let me guess—he was also a flirt?”
Alice smirked. “Oh, absolutely. He had a ton of lovers—nymphs, mortals, even a few goddesses. And thanks to one of those relationships, he fathered Pan, the wild goat god.”
Loki leaned back. “So, to summarize—Hermes was the slickest, fastest, most cunning god on Olympus, and he somehow got away with everything?”
Alice grinned. “That’s why he’s still remembered as the divine trickster, the winged messenger, and the one god who never got stuck in one place for too long.”
Rumple rubbed his temples. “I still don’t know if I admire him or want to punch him.”
Loki smirked. “That’s how you know he was good.”
Alice raised her teacup. “And that, darlings, was Hermes—the god of smooth talk, fast feet, and even faster getaways.”
And just like that, another Immortal Gazette feature was sealed—though if Hermes had been here, he probably would’ve stolen the ink.
🖋️✨📜🖤
