The Vintage Tale of Snow White | The Immortal Gazette
Alice sat cross-legged on a floating tea table, spinning a teaspoon between her fingers. Loki lounged in a chair made of shadows, smirking at the chaos he could already sense brewing. Rumple, meanwhile, had his arms crossed, already looking unimpressed.
“So, darlings,” Alice drawled, “today, we’re retelling Snow White—but only the old versions, the ones that are in the public domain and absolutely unhinged.”
Loki raised an eyebrow. “Ah, so none of the sanitized ‘happily ever after’ nonsense?”
Alice smirked. “Precisely. We’re diving into Grimm territory, where stepmothers order actual assassinations, hearts may or may not get eaten, and poison is everyone’s solution to everything.”
Rumple sighed. “Oh good. Another bedtime story not for children.”
Once Upon a Time—But Not the Way You Remember It
Long before she became Hadassah Lunara, the fierce Day Walker of 4EverMore, Snow White was just a mortal girl with a serious bad luck problem.
Her mother, the Queen, made a wish while sewing—because apparently, people just manifested their children back then. She pricked her finger, saw the snow, the red blood, and the black window frame, and thought, Wouldn’t it be fun if my child matched this aesthetic?
Enter Snow White—too pretty for her own good and destined for a whole lot of nonsense.
When her mother died (because fairytale mothers never last more than one paragraph), her father remarried a woman who was not about to let some teenage girl steal her spotlight.
Alice grinned. “And this, my friends, is where the murder attempts begin.”
The First Attempt: ‘Bring Me Her Heart’
The Evil Queen, armed with a talking mirror (because therapy didn’t exist yet), found out Snow White was hotter than her. Naturally, she lost her mind.
She ordered a huntsman to kill Snow White and bring back her heart, because nothing says stable leadership like assassinating your teenage stepdaughter.
Loki chuckled. “Classic power move. And the huntsman?”
“Oh, he panicked,” Alice said, waving a hand. “Because even the bad guys in these tales sometimes get morals at inconvenient moments. So instead of killing Snow White, he let her run into the forest and brought the Queen a boar’s heart instead.”
Rumple snorted. “So she just… ate it? No questions asked?”
Alice nodded. “Yup. Carnivore vibes.”
The Dwarves: Not as Cute as You Think
Snow White stumbled into the forest, found a tiny house, and—like a true burglar—made herself at home.
Loki smirked. “Ah, the original ‘break in, eat their food, take a nap’ routine.”
The seven dwarves returned home to find an unconscious girl in their beds and instead of being rightfully concerned, they just… let her stay?
Rumple frowned. “That’s deeply unsettling.”
Alice shrugged. “Old fairytales never make sense. Just roll with it.”
Three Poison Attempts—Because the Queen Was Persistent
Now, instead of checking to make sure her hit job was completed, the Queen went back to her mirror, found out Snow White was very much alive, and decided, Fine, I’ll do it myself.
- First Attempt: She disguised herself as an old peddler woman and gave Snow White tight laces for her corset. She pulled them so tight that Snow White passed out, and the Queen walked away, thinking, That’s that.
- Second Attempt: When that didn’t work, she returned with a poisoned comb. Snow White immediately put it in her hair (because critical thinking was not her strength), passed out again, and again, the dwarves saved her.
- Third Attempt: The iconic poisoned apple. Snow White took one bite, choked, and collapsed. This time, the dwarves couldn’t save her.
Loki smirked. “That Queen was nothing if not determined.”
Alice sipped her tea. “I respect a good villain’s persistence.”
The ‘Prince’ and the Weird Resurrection
Snow White wasn’t dead, exactly. She was just in a death-like sleep—because magic poison apparently works that way.
Cue the random prince who wandered in, saw an allegedly dead girl in a glass coffin, and thought, I want that.
Rumple looked horrified. “This is where it gets gross.”
Alice grinned. “Oh, absolutely.”
Back in the oldest versions, the prince did not kiss her awake. He bought her from the dwarves—because ew. Then, while transporting her, his servants accidentally dropped the coffin. The jolt dislodged the poison apple from Snow White’s throat, and she woke up.
Loki chuckled. “So she survived not because of ‘true love’s kiss’ but because someone fumbled her coffin?”
Alice nodded. “Yup. Romantic, isn’t it?”
Happily Ever After? Not Quite.
Snow White did marry the prince, but in true Grimm fashion, the Queen was invited to the wedding—only to be punished in the most extra way possible.
Alice leaned forward. “They made her wear red-hot iron shoes and dance until she dropped dead.”
Rumple groaned. “Humans are monsters.”
Loki smirked. “I approve.”
4EverMore Edition: Snow White’s Revenge Glow-Up
Of course, in our world, things didn’t end there. Snow White—now Hadassah Lunara—was turned into a Day Walker, married a man who wasn’t a random necrophiliac prince, and now insists she was always a witch.
“She’s not a witch,” Loki whispered.
Alice grinned. “Don’t tell her that.”
Rumple sighed. “And I assume she hates being called Snow White now?”
Alice smirked. “Oh, violently. Which is why we keep doing it.”
And with that, the tale of Snow White—the public domain edition—was wrapped up in a nice, sarcastic bow.
Moral of the story?
- Don’t trust mirrors.
- Don’t eat random food from strangers.
- And if someone tries to kill you three times, take the hint and move.
🖋️✨📜🖤
