Beauty and the Beast: Let’s Talk About This Mess
The Immortal Gazette Studio was still buzzing with tension, but Alice, having devoured her Snickers (because even chaos needs sugar), was now ready to redirect her fury elsewhere. And oh, did she have a target.
She leaned forward, cracking her knuckles with an exaggerated snap, eyes gleaming with mischief. “Alright,” she announced, “let’s talk about Beauty and the Beast—and no, I don’t mean the frilly, sanitized nonsense Disney shoved down everyone’s throat. I mean the real version. The public domain version. The weird one.”
Rumplestiltskin perked up immediately, rubbing his hands together. “Ohhh, this is going to be fun,” he said gleefully. “You mean the one where Beauty has sisters who are basically soap opera villains? And the Beast is less ‘tragic brooding prince’ and more ‘straight-up monstrous nightmare’?”
Alice smirked. “Oh, you know it.” She crossed her arms. “First of all, let’s address the real issue—Beauty’s father. What kind of moron steals a rose from a terrifying magical Beast’s castle? Like, of all things, my guy, you see a beastly creature lurking in an enchanted castle and think, ‘Oh, I’ll just pluck a flower, what’s the worst that could happen?’”
Loki, finally speaking up, let out a dramatic sigh. “Classic poor decision-making. That’s how all these stories start. ‘Ooh, let me make a bad choice and then pawn off my problems onto my daughter.’” He shook his head. “Honestly, Beauty’s dad is lucky she didn’t just leave him to his fate.”
Alice pointed at him. “Exactly! She volunteers to go live with this beastly nightmare of a creature, because apparently self-sacrifice is the golden rule of fairy tales. And then what does she do? She gets comfortable.”
Rumple grinned. “Ohhh yes, the part where she starts liking her captor.”
Alice groaned. “Ugh, the Stockholm Syndrome levels in this story are off the charts! The Beast straight-up tells her she can’t leave! But oh, he gives her fancy dresses and nice food, so I guess that makes it fine! And let’s not forget the dreams. Oh, yes, the dreams where she sees a handsome prince begging her to look past appearances.”
Loki snorted. “Translation: ‘Ignore the fact that I’m keeping you prisoner, Beauty, I promise I’m hot underneath all this fur.’”
Rumple cackled. “And then what happens? She goes home to visit her terrible sisters, and those two absolute gremlins try to sabotage her! They convince her to stay longer just to get her in trouble!”
Alice threw her hands up. “Oh, yeah, because let’s definitely risk getting our sister murdered by a vengeful Beast just because we’re jealous of her cushy castle life. Real stable behavior.”
Loki tapped his chin thoughtfully. “And then, of course, she returns just in time to find the Beast dramatically dying of heartbreak because she took too long.”
Rumple wiped a fake tear. “So tragic,” he said, voice dripping with sarcasm. “The poor terrifying beast monster who held her hostage is now so sad that he’s literally wasting away.”
Alice rolled her eyes. “And of course, the moment she says, ‘Oh no, I actually do love you,’—BAM! He transforms into a prince! Because apparently love fixes everything, including massive trust issues, captivity, and probable psychological damage.”
Loki leaned back in his chair, looking far too amused. “Moral of the story: If a terrifying beast kidnaps you, just wait it out. He might turn hot.”
Rumple howled with laughter. “Now that’s some solid life advice right there.”
Alice gave them both a withering glare. “You both are insufferable.”
Rumple smirked. “You love us.”
Alice huffed, but didn’t deny it.
And just like that, the chaos in the studio raged on, fueled by centuries-old fairy tales and a group of immortals who had far too much time on their hands.
🖋️✨📜🖤
