The Immortal Gazette: Hercules – The Legend, The Pain, The Glory
The firelight flickered in the grand hall of The Immortal Gazette, where the greatest storytellers and troublemakers of 4EverMore gathered for an evening of epic tales. Alice sat at the head of the long table, a knowing smirk on her face as she opened a massive, ancient book bound in celestial leather. Loki, ever the skeptic, lounged with his boots up, while Rumplestiltskin twirled a goblet between his fingers, eager for chaos.
Seraphina Nightshade, sipping from a goblet of stardust wine, raised an eyebrow. “So, Alice, what’s tonight’s lesson?”
Alice grinned. “We’re about to educate the living daylights out of everyone about the one and only Hercules.”
Loki snorted. “Oh, the muscle-bound brute?”
Alice’s eyes flashed. “Oh, you sweet summer idiot. Hercules isn’t just some strong guy. His life is one of tragedy, betrayal, epic battles, insanity, redemption, and ultimately—godhood.”
A hush fell over the room. Even Loki sat up, intrigued.
Alice leaned forward, her voice dropping to a near whisper. “It all starts with his mother—Alcmene. A mortal princess, beautiful, intelligent… and unfortunately married to Amphitryon, a Theban general.”
Rumplestiltskin smirked. “Let me guess. Zeus got involved.”
Alice laughed darkly. “Oh, you know he did. The King of the Gods took one look at Alcmene and decided he had to have her. But did he introduce himself like a normal immortal? No. He disguised himself as her husband while Amphitryon was away at war. He crawled into her bed and—”
Seraphina’s goblet slammed onto the table. “I hate when he does that.”
Alice nodded. “Exactly. Zeus, being Zeus, extended the night to last three times longer just to make sure she definitely conceived a child. And boom—Hercules was born.”
Loki scoffed. “That poor woman.”
“Oh, it gets worse,” Alice said, flipping the page. “Zeus’s real wife, Hera, found out. And, as usual, she didn’t blame her philandering husband—she blamed the innocent mother and child.”
Rumplestiltskin grinned. “Classic Hera.”
Alice continued, “The second Hercules was born, Hera sent two serpents into his crib to strangle him in his sleep.”
Seraphina leaned in. “And?”
Alice smirked. “Baby Hercules, with his tiny little fists, grabbed both snakes and crushed them to death. Right there. In his crib.”
Loki whistled. “Well. That’s dramatic.”
“Oh, honey, we’re just getting started,” Alice said.
The Labors of Hercules – A Divine Punishment
Loki stretched his arms. “Alright, so he grows up to be a beefcake. What’s next?”
Alice rolled her eyes. “You’re skipping the trauma. Hera never let him have a moment’s peace. She drove him to madness, and in a fit of divine-induced insanity—he killed his own wife, Megara, and their children.”
Seraphina’s face darkened. “Hera forced him to do that?”
Alice nodded solemnly. “She sent a madness upon him so he wouldn’t even know what he was doing. When he finally came to his senses, the horror of what he had done nearly destroyed him. To atone for his crime, he was sent to King Eurystheus and forced to complete twelve impossible labors—each more brutal than the last.”
Rumplestiltskin grinned. “Oh, tell me we’re getting into those.”
Alice beamed. “Of course we are.”
- Slay the Nemean Lion – A monstrous beast with impenetrable skin. Hercules strangled it with his bare hands and wore its hide as armor.
- Kill the Lernaean Hydra – A serpent with multiple heads that grew back when cut. He burned each stump so they wouldn’t regenerate.
- Capture the Golden Hind of Artemis – A sacred deer so fast it could outrun arrows. Took him a year to catch.
- Capture the Erymanthian Boar – A giant, raging boar. He wrestled it into submission and carried it on his shoulders.
- Clean the Augean Stables – A disgusting task. Thousands of cattle, years of filth. He rerouted two entire rivers to wash them clean in a day.
- Kill the Stymphalian Birds – Man-eating birds with metal feathers. He used a divine rattle to startle them and shot them out of the sky.
- Capture the Cretan Bull – A wild, fire-breathing bull. He wrestled it and dragged it back alive.
- Steal the Mares of Diomedes – Flesh-eating horses. He fed their own master to them before taming them.
- Obtain the Girdle of Hippolyta – Had to steal the belt from the Queen of the Amazons. It ended… badly.
- Steal the Cattle of Geryon – A giant with three bodies owned them. Hercules killed him and his guard dog to take them.
- Steal the Apples of the Hesperides – Guarded by a dragon. He tricked Atlas into getting them for him.
- Capture Cerberus – Yes, that Cerberus. He went to the Underworld and dragged the three-headed hellhound up without weapons.
Loki leaned back, impressed. “You know… I might actually respect this guy.”
Alice smirked. “He went through hell. But even after the labors, his life was still full of battles, betrayals, and wives who kept trying to kill him.”
The Death of Hercules – And His Ascension
Seraphina frowned. “How does he die after all that?”
Alice sighed. “Hera wasn’t done with him. His last wife, Deianira, was tricked into giving him a poisoned tunic. She thought it was a love charm, but in reality—it burned his flesh, searing him alive.”
Rumplestiltskin winced. “That’s… brutal.”
Alice nodded. “Hercules knew he was dying. So, he built a funeral pyre, climbed on top of it, and lit it himself. That’s how he went out—by his own hand.”
Loki was silent for a long moment. “And that was it?”
Alice smiled. “Not quite. His mortal body burned away, but his soul rose to Olympus. Zeus finally rewarded him, making him a god—Hercules, the god of strength and heroism.”
Seraphina lifted her goblet. “He earned that.”
Alice closed the book. “Damn right, he did.”
The fire crackled, the weight of the tale settling over them all. Even Loki, for once, had nothing sarcastic to say.
🖋️✨📜🖤
