Another Day at the Immortal Gazette: Les Misérables
The Immortal Gazette studio was quiet—too quiet. Alice sat at the head of the table, her fingers tapping rhythmically against the surface. Loki lounged in his chair, legs crossed, flipping through a copy of Les Misérables with the kind of smirk that said he was ready to cause problems. Rumplestiltskin, on the other hand, looked genuinely entertained, flipping through the pages with an eager glint in his eye.
Alice sighed. "Alright, I know what you two are thinking. Oh no, Alice has picked a novel that’s actually serious and important."
Loki raised an eyebrow. "Oh no, Alice has picked a novel that’s actually miserable."
Rumple snorted. "It does have ‘miserable’ right there in the title. That’s called truth in advertising."
Alice rolled her eyes. "Okay, fine. Let’s just get to it before Loki rewrites it into a farce. Les Misérables—written by Victor Hugo, published in 1862—is a massive, sweeping novel about justice, redemption, revolution, and the absolute disaster that was 19th-century France."
Loki leaned in. "And so much suffering."
Alice pointed at him. "Yes, but meaningful suffering."
Rumple grinned. "Oh, so artistic suffering."
Alice ignored him and continued.
The Real Story of Les Misérables
This is the story of Jean Valjean, a man who—get this—spends nineteen years in prison for stealing a loaf of bread.
Loki blinked. "Okay, I know human justice systems are broken, but nineteen years?"
Rumple shook his head. "The guy was just hungry. He stole to feed his sister’s starving child, and for that, he got nearly two decades in prison. And every time he tried to escape? More time added to his sentence."
Alice sighed. "That’s where the novel starts. When Valjean is finally released, he’s bitter, angry, and completely rejected by society. No one will give him work, no one will give him shelter. Until one very kind bishop takes him in and feeds him."
Loki smirked. "And how does Valjean thank him?"
Rumple grinned. "By stealing from him."
Alice held up a hand. "But here’s where things change. The police catch Valjean and drag him back to the bishop, expecting him to confirm the theft. Instead, the bishop covers for him, saying he gave Valjean the silver and even hands him more, telling him to use it to become an honest man."
Loki whistled. "And that is how you morally crush a thief."
Alice nodded. "Exactly. That moment changes Valjean’s life. He breaks his parole, takes on a new identity, and spends the next few decades becoming a successful, generous businessman—but he's constantly hunted by the fanatical police inspector Javert, who believes once a criminal, always a criminal."
Rumple smirked. "Javert is the human embodiment of ‘I am the law and the law is always right.’" I saw that in some movie, epic moment I might add.
Loki leaned back. "And he never lets it go. For years, he hunts Valjean like a man possessed. Even when Valjean is clearly a good person, even when he saves lives, Javert will not quit."
The Revolution, The Tragedies, The Absolute Mess
Alice took a deep breath. "Meanwhile, in classic Hugo fashion, this novel has about ten other stories running alongside Valjean’s. There’s Fantine, a woman abandoned by her lover, struggling to raise her daughter, Cosette. She’s forced into poverty, mistreated, and dies tragically—"
Loki raised a finger. "Hold up. Let’s talk about the real villains here: The Thénardiers. Those two con artists are straight-up evil."
Rumple nodded. "Fantine leaves Cosette with them, thinking they’ll take care of her. Instead, they abuse her, overcharge Fantine for her care, and treat her like a servant. And yet, somehow, they never die. These two cockroaches survive everything."
Alice sighed. "Unfortunately, yes. But Valjean eventually rescues Cosette, raises her as his own, and tries to live a quiet life. Except—"
Loki grinned. "—France is about to explode."
Alice nodded. "Enter Marius, a young revolutionary who falls in love with Cosette at first sight. Meanwhile, the streets of Paris are about to erupt into rebellion, because this is post-Napoleonic France, and everything is terrible."
Rumple grinned. "So naturally, the people build barricades and prepare to overthrow the monarchy. And guess who’s caught up in all of it?"
Loki smirked. "Marius, because love makes people dumb."
Alice laughed. "Pretty much. He joins the rebellion, gets wounded, and who swoops in to save him? Jean Valjean, dragging this unconscious boy through the sewers of Paris."
Rumple whistled. "And I thought the rats in The Food of the Gods were bad."
Alice grinned. "Oh, it gets worse. Javert finally catches Valjean. But instead of turning him in, Valjean lets him go. And Javert? He cannot handle it. His entire belief system crumbles because Valjean isn’t a villain. He’s a good man. And Javert, who only sees the world in black and white, has no idea what to do with that."
Loki shook his head. "So what does he do? He throws himself into the Seine. Classic overreaction."
Alice sighed. "Meanwhile, Marius recovers, marries Cosette, and Valjean—who doesn’t want to ruin her new life with his past—slips away quietly. He dies alone, but at peace, and is finally reunited with Fantine’s spirit."
What Victor Hugo Was Really Saying
Rumple leaned forward. "This is about justice, about redemption, about how a single act of kindness can completely change a person’s life. It’s about how society fails the poor, and how even the best people can be crushed under an unfair system."
Loki smirked. "And it’s also about how France loves a good riot."
Alice rolled her eyes. "That, too. But Hugo wanted people to think. He wanted them to see the suffering around them and actually do something about it."
Rumple leaned back, sighing. "And instead, people turned it into a musical."
Loki grinned. "A very dramatic musical. And to be fair, the barricade scene slaps."
Alice shook her head. "Look, Les Misérables is a heavy, heavy book, but it’s also beautiful. It’s tragic and hopeful at the same time. Valjean’s story proves that no matter how broken you are, redemption is always possible."
Loki smirked. "As long as you don’t have an obsessive police officer on your tail."
Alice sighed. "Exactly."
The Immortal Gazette: The Les Misérables Debrief—And a Scandalous Lack of Tea
The broadcast had barely ended before the Immortal Gazette’s comment scroll exploded.
Reader #1: "Hold on. HOLD ON. I read Les Misérables in school, and I don’t remember the Thénardiers surviving everything like cockroaches. Are you sure you read the book and didn’t just skim the highlights?"
Reader #2: "Forget the book. Can we talk about something far more concerning? Alice hasn’t sipped her tea once in this entire discussion. Not. Once. WHAT IS GOING ON."
Loki, still lounging in his chair, read the comments with an ever-growing smirk. “Ah, see, I told you, Alice. The people notice things. The real mystery isn’t Valjean’s redemption arc—it’s why you’re betraying your entire brand by sitting there tea-less.”
Rumple cackled. “She’s a fraud! A TEA-LYING FRAUD!”
Alice, who had been very much trying to avoid this conversation, pinched the bridge of her nose. “I ran out."
Silence.
Loki, who never missed an opportunity for chaos, slowly sat up. "You. Ran. Out."
Rumple gasped dramatically, clutching his chest. “Alice without tea? That’s like—like France without misery! Like Javert without a pointless vendetta! Like—”
“—like me without charm and good looks,” Loki added smugly.
Alice groaned. “Oh, for the love of Victor Hugo, YES. I ran out. I forgot to restock. I had things to do.”
Reader #3: "Alice forgot TEA? What’s next? Loki being responsible? Rumple paying his debts?"
Rumple squawked. “First of all, how dare you! Second, Alice, this is unacceptable. How do you expect me to spin my dramatic monologues if I can’t watch you judgmentally sip tea while I do it?”
Loki nodded. “It does take the fun out of things.”
Alice slammed a hand on the table. “DOES ANYONE WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE BOOK?!”
Reader #4: "Not until you have a steaming cup of something in your hand. This is unnatural. Fix it."
Loki grinned. “Well, you heard the people. Tea first, then the inevitable argument over whether our version of Les Misérables is factually correct.”
Alice, fully aware that she had lost this battle, stood up with a long-suffering sigh. “Fine. You insufferable maniacs win. I’ll get tea.”
As she disappeared from view, Rumple leaned conspiratorially toward the camera. “Now, while she’s gone, let’s discuss how technically, Hugo never said the Thénardiers died—he just stopped mentioning them, which means our ‘cockroach theory’ is valid.”
Loki smirked. “And while we’re at it, let’s take bets on how fast she storms back in here when she realizes we’re still talking.”
Three.
Two.
One—
Alice stormed back in, tea in hand, eyes blazing.
“DROP. IT.”
And just like that, balance was restored to the Immortal Gazette.
