The Immortal Gazette: The Brothers Grimm – Twisting the Twisted
The dimly lit studio of The Immortal Gazette crackled with an eerie energy. Alice lounged in her chair, swirling her tea like it held the secrets of the universe, while Loki was grinning like he was already planning some mischief. Rumplestiltskin? Oh, he was practically glowing with excitement.
Alice leaned forward, her grin sharp. "Alright, boys. The Brothers Grimm. Everyone thinks their tales were dark, but let's be honest, they were just amateurs compared to us. What do you say we… refine a few of their classics?"
Rumplestiltskin's laugh was low and knowing. "Oh, Alice, my dear, you know I adore a good fairy tale—especially when it's laced with a bit of… proper deception."
Loki leaned back, arms crossed. "Let’s start with something juicy. Hansel and Gretel. It’s got everything: kids getting lost, a witch, a house made of sweets, and—what’s that?—oh, murder. How would we improve it?"
Hansel and Gretel: The Real Power Play
Rumplestiltskin tapped his fingers together, eyes alight. "Now, now, let’s think about this logically. Why would an ancient witch, with centuries of wisdom, be so careless as to let two children outwit her? Ridiculous."
Alice smirked. "You’re saying the witch let them win?"
"Oh, absolutely," Rumplestiltskin said, waving a hand dismissively. "The gingerbread house? A trap. Not just for children, but for the truly wicked. Think about it: if she were really just some old crone gobbling up kids, she wouldn’t have lasted long. Someone would have come for her. But what if she was luring in something… worse?"
Loki raised an eyebrow. "Go on."
"The children were never the target. She was baiting someone else—perhaps the very people who abandoned Hansel and Gretel in the first place. Parents who were willing to discard their own offspring in the woods? Sounds like perfect prey, don’t you think?"
Alice's grin widened. "Oh, that’s a delicious twist. So when the kids think they’ve won, escaping and pushing the witch into the oven…"
"…She wanted them to," Rumplestiltskin finished, his voice silky. "Because the real game started when they returned home. The witch’s magic? Now inside them. They’re no longer helpless children—they're something far worse."
Loki clapped his hands together, laughing. "Now that’s an ending! The kids go home… only to finish the job with their parents."
Alice sipped her tea, staring at her reflection in the cup. "You realize that version sounds like a full-blown horror movie, right? Grimm’s fairy tales were dark, but this? This is on another level."
Cinderella: The Long Game
Alice stretched, cracking her neck with a smirk. “Let’s talk about Cinderella. Now, Rumple, tell me honestly—a girl spends her life covered in ash, then suddenly marries a prince, and no one questions it? Please.”
Rumplestiltskin’s grin was razor-sharp. “Oh, Alice, you know as well as I do—Cinderella wasn’t lucky. She was patient.”
Loki tilted his head, intrigued. “You’re saying she planned it?”
“Of course she did,” Rumplestiltskin said smoothly. “The fairy godmother? Convenient. The glass slipper? A trick. What if Cinderella wasn’t some helpless girl waiting for a prince, but a master strategist?”
Alice leaned forward, eyes gleaming. “Go on.”
“The ‘fairy godmother’ was real—but not some benevolent old woman with a wand. No, she was something darker—a spirit that Cinderella bound to her will. The dress, the magic, the pumpkin carriage? Not gifts. Bargains.”
Loki whistled low. “And the price?”
Rumplestiltskin’s smile deepened. “The best kind—time. Every cruelty she endured, every tear she shed, all of it fed the spell. The worse they treated her, the stronger she became. By the time she went to the ball, she wasn’t just some girl in a pretty dress—she was walking power.”
Alice tapped her chin. “And the slipper?”
“A trap,” Rumplestiltskin purred. “The prince wasn’t just searching for her. The shoe was enchanted. Only she could wear it—not because it fit, but because she made sure no one else could.”
Loki’s grin widened. “So when she put it on, she wasn’t just proving her identity…”
“She was sealing the deal,” Alice finished, a slow, wicked smile curling her lips. “Ensuring she’d never be powerless again.”
Rumplestiltskin raised his glass in a mock toast. “And that, my friends, is how you play the long game.”
Alice laughed, and somewhere, in the echoes of forgotten magic, a fairy godmother’s laughter joined hers.
Red Riding Hood: The Wolf in Disguise
Alice leaned in, tapping her fingers against the table. "Alright, let’s talk about Red Riding Hood. And I swear, if anyone suggests she was just some clueless girl in the woods, I will hex something."
Rumplestiltskin raised his hands in mock surrender. "Oh, my dear Alice, I would never insult your intelligence like that. No, no, no. Let’s talk about the wolf—or rather, the fact that there was never a wolf at all."
Loki raised an eyebrow. "Explain."
Rumplestiltskin grinned. "The wolf? A myth. A story crafted to hide the truth. The real danger? Red herself."
Alice’s eyes gleamed. "Oh, I love where this is going."
"Think about it," Rumplestiltskin continued, pacing. "A young girl, wandering into the woods, supposedly being stalked? No, my friends. She was hunting. And the ‘grandmother’? Not some frail old woman—but a woman who knew the truth. Knew what Red was. But by the time she figured it out? Too late."
Loki leaned forward, intrigued. "So, what, she was a werewolf?"
Rumplestiltskin chuckled darkly. "Or something worse. Something that wears the skins of others. A beast cursed into human form, with instincts clawing at the edges of her mind. Maybe she didn’t even know what she was—until the night she remembered."
Alice tilted her head. "So when the woodsman comes in at the end…?"
"He’s not rescuing her," Rumplestiltskin purred. "He’s containing her. Because Red wasn’t the victim. She was the reason the story had to be rewritten. The girl in the red hood? She was the wolf all along."
Loki let out a low, appreciative laugh. "Oh, that’s deliciously wicked."
Alice smirked. "And now, centuries later, she’s in 4EverMore, married to a devastatingly fine Day Walker, living her best immortal life—while the rest of the world still whispers stories about the ‘big bad wolf.’"
Rumplestiltskin raised his glass in a toast. "Legends fade, my friends. But the truth? It always has teeth."
The Grimm Legacy: Twisted, Refined, Perfected
Alice sighed dramatically, stretching her arms. "See, this is what happens when actual masterminds get involved in fairy tales. The Brothers Grimm? They were just scribes collecting stories. If they had any sense, they’d have told the real versions. Our versions."
Rumplestiltskin grinned. "Ah, but that’s why we’re here, aren’t we? To set the record straight."
Loki chuckled. "And to remind everyone that no story is ever as simple as it seems."
Alice smirked, raising her cup. "To proper fairy tales."
Rumplestiltskin and Loki clinked their glasses against hers. "To real magic."
And somewhere, in the deep, forgotten corners of history, the stories shifted—just a little. Because after all, what’s the fun in a tale that doesn’t have a proper twist?
A Note for the Mortals: The Brothers Grimm and the Public Domain
Ah, dear mortals, before you start clutching your pearls, let’s clarify a few things about the Brothers Grimm and their so-called "original" fairy tales.
Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm were two German scholars and linguists who compiled and published Children’s and Household Tales (Kinder- und Hausmärchen) in 1812. However, they didn’t create most of these stories—they collected them from folk traditions that had already been passed down for centuries. Think of them less as inventors and more as… editors with a penchant for the macabre.
Now, because their work was published over 200 years ago (and because neither of them is around to argue), it is firmly in the public domain. That means these tales belong to everyone—to twist, rewrite, and reshape however we please. And, of course, who better than us to refine them into something even darker or something completely different?
So, rest assured, no ancient curses (or lawsuits) shall befall anyone enjoying this retelling. The Brothers Grimm may have set the foundation, but we? We build castles of shadows upon it.
Now, shall we continue? There are so many tales left to be rewritten…
🖋️✨📜🖤
