Apollo: The God, the Myth, the Disaster of a Love Life

An Immortal Gazette Exclusive—Because We’re Here to Spill Divine Tea.

Alice set down her teacup with a clink, eyes glinting with mischief. “So, Apollo.”

Loki raised an eyebrow. “The golden boy of Olympus?”

Rumple sneered. “The self-obsessed golden boy of Olympus.”

Alice smirked. “Oh, we’re absolutely talking about him.” She leaned forward, resting her chin on one hand. “Tell me, gentlemen, what do we know about Apollo?”

Loki shrugged. “Sun, music, prophecy. Bit of a show-off. Likes poetry.”

Rumple crossed his arms. “And terrible at relationships.”

Alice snapped her fingers. “Bingo. Let’s get into it.”

Apollo: The Overachiever of Olympus

“First off,” Alice said, swirling her drink, “Apollo wasn’t just some golden-haired pretty boy riding a sun chariot across the sky. Oh no, he was the CEO of Everything—music, poetry, healing, prophecy, archery. Honestly, I don’t know how he had time to be that good at everything and still make a complete mess of his love life.”

Loki smirked. “Sounds exhausting.”

Rumple scoffed. “Sounds annoying.”

Alice grinned. “And yet, gods and mortals adored him. He was charming, brilliant, practically glowing 24/7. But the moment he caught feelings? Absolute disaster.”

The Romance Curse of Apollo

Loki leaned back. “So, how bad are we talking?”

Alice snorted. “On a scale from ‘mildly awkward’ to ‘catastrophic’? Apollo was a walking tragedy.”

She gestured to a floating list that appeared midair:

Notable Apollo Love Fails

Daphne - “She literally turned into a tree to avoid him.”
Cassandra - “He gave her prophecy in exchange for love, she said no, so he cursed her to always tell the truth but never be believed. Petty, party of one!”
Hyacinthus - “Actually loved him… but Apollo accidentally killed him with a discus. Oops.”
Coronis - “Got jealous, had her killed, then regretted it.”

Rumple shook his head. “That’s… impressively bad.”

Loki smirked. “I respect the level of drama.”

Alice laughed. “Oh, and let’s not forget he had to share some of his sun duties with Sol over in the Roman pantheon. That must’ve bruised his ego.”

Apollo’s Ego vs. Reality

“For all his divine grandeur,” Alice mused, “Apollo had a problem. He couldn’t handle rejection. He thought if he sang the right song, shot the right arrow, or flashed the right smile, everyone would just fall for him.”

Rumple snorted. “And instead, they turned into trees.”

Loki chuckled. “Or died.”

Alice raised her glass. “Or they saw through his golden glow and left him in the dust. Poor Apollo. All the talent in the world, and zero luck in love.”