Ancient Aliens? Please, Let Me Tell You Something | The Immortal Gazette
The Immortal Gazette studio, as always, was buzzing with the usual chaos. Alice sat poised at the center, a quill in hand, eyes gleaming with mischief. Rumple was off to the side, sulking about something trivial as usual, and Loki was leaning back, sipping a drink and looking far too comfortable. Today’s topic? Ancient Aliens.
“Alright, mortals, settle in,” Alice began, her voice dripping with sarcasm and a hint of annoyance. “You’ve probably heard of this theory, right? Ancient aliens—those crazy folks who think extraterrestrials visited Earth thousands of years ago, leaving behind evidence in the form of pyramids, stone circles, and… well, ‘unexplained’ structures.” She rolled her eyes dramatically. “Let’s break this down, shall we?”
Loki grinned, clearly enjoying the prospect of the madness that was about to unfold. “Oh, this should be fun. Aliens, you say? What kind of nonsense are we going to uncover today, Alice?”
Alice flashed him a wicked smile, already prepared for the storm. “Oh, Loki, you have no idea. So, let’s start with the pyramids, shall we? According to these ‘alien theorists,’ the Great Pyramids of Giza couldn’t possibly have been built by ancient Egyptians using their primitive tools. No, no, no. It had to have been aliens with their superior technology that somehow managed to build them. Never mind the fact that, oh, I don’t know—there’s actual historical evidence showing how the Egyptians built them.”
Rumple raised an eyebrow, suddenly interested. “You mean… they weren’t created by a bunch of flying saucers?”
Alice gave him a pointed look. “Oh, darling, I wish I could tell you that the Egyptians had a secret alliance with aliens, but I’m afraid you’re stuck with reality—the pyramids were built using a series of advanced techniques and tools that the Egyptians had mastered over centuries. They had this nifty little thing called engineering.” She paused, tapping her chin as if pondering something deeply. “But I’m sure those ancient aliens were just too busy to leave any real evidence behind.”
Loki chuckled darkly. “Of course. Why leave anything concrete when you can just whisper from the stars and call it a day?”
“Exactly,” Alice said, flashing him a grin. “But the alien crowd doesn’t stop there. Oh, no. They’ve got their hands full with other things—like the Nazca Lines in Peru. You know, those massive lines in the desert that can only be fully appreciated from the sky? According to these geniuses, the lines were created as landing strips for ancient alien spacecraft.” She shook her head, her tone full of disbelief. “Landing strips. Really?”
Loki snorted. “What, did the aliens not have a GPS system to guide them? Or maybe they needed the world’s first intergalactic runways to park their space cruisers?”
Alice sighed, dramatically exasperated. “What’s even more absurd is that humans have figured out how the Nazca people created these lines using basic tools and mathematics. But why bother with that when you can just blame it all on aliens?”
Rumple raised an eyebrow. “So, what you’re saying is, we’re supposed to believe these ‘aliens’ came all the way to Earth just to draw lines in the desert? And leave no trace of their visit, except for these supposedly ‘perfect’ designs?”
“Bingo,” Alice said, nodding, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “And then there’s the Stonehenge—oh yes, you can’t leave that one out of the mix. It’s a megalithic structure made of huge stones that are… well, set up in a very specific way—but of course—it’s the aliens who did it, right?” She snorted. “Because human beings couldn’t possibly have the intelligence or the skill to create something so intricate, could they?”
Loki leaned forward, smirking. “Well, let’s be real, Alice. Sometimes humans do need a little extra… help in the ‘building giant things’ department.”
Alice gave him a side-eye. “Please, Loki. I’m not doubting human ingenuity, but let’s not pretend aliens came down from the stars, handed us their blueprints, and vanished into the ether. The people who built Stonehenge used clever engineering techniques, simple tools, and, let’s be honest, a whole lot of time. It’s more about cultural beliefs and astronomy than about extraterrestrials.”
Rumple, growing more intrigued by the second, leaned in. “So, they weren’t just waiting around for a flying saucer to land? They had their own… methods?”
Alice grinned wickedly. “Oh, indeed. They were making some serious astronomical observations, Rumple. Stonehenge wasn’t just for decoration—it was aligned with the solstices and equinoxes—essentially a giant calendar. You know, so they could tell when to plant crops or when the sun was at its peak. Not exactly something aliens would need to explain, now, is it?”
Loki let out a low whistle. “So, basically, it’s all a bunch of overblown nonsense.”
Alice nodded. “Exactly. And don’t get me started on ancient alien astronauts—you know, the ones who supposedly left behind tools that look like modern-day spaceships or weapons. Sure, sure, we’re all supposed to believe that our ancestors had a serious need for alien tech, right? Spoiler alert: they didn’t. But let’s face it, aliens make a much sexier story, don’t they?”
Rumple looked genuinely intrigued now. “So, what are you saying, Alice? There were no intergalactic visitors? No ancient astronauts?”
“Precisely,” Alice said, smiling sweetly. “Human history is filled with its own mysteries and wonders. The idea that extraterrestrials came here and left us breadcrumbs of their existence is—well, frankly, a bit much. It’s much more fun to explore the rich and complex history we have on Earth, where humans have done some pretty remarkable things all on their own.”
Loki raised his glass. “So, the next time someone tells me the pyramids were built by aliens, I’m just going to smile and nod?”
“Oh, Loki,” Alice said, shaking her head. “I’d recommend you do a bit more than just nod. But yes—smile, nod, and then remind them that their theories belong in the realm of the absurd, not actual history.”
Rumple chuckled darkly. “Well, that’s certainly an easy way to burst someone’s bubble.”
Alice gave him a pointed smile. “That’s the fun of it, Rumple. Exposing the absurdities with a little bit of humor and a lot of truth.”
Loki leaned back, flashing a mischievous grin. “Ah, Alice—only you could turn the wackiest theories into an entertaining reality check.”
Alice winked at him. “Why, thank you, darling. I do try.”
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