If the Old Gods Were Each a Zodiac Sign
An Immortal Gazette Exclusive—Your Zodiac, Your Deity.
Alice sat on the edge of an ancient stone table, her eyes glinting mischievously. Loki, sprawled out on a velvet lounge, lazily sipped on what appeared to be liquid darkness (he always did have weird taste). Rumplestiltskin was tapping his fingers impatiently, clearly not in the mood for another of Alice’s “grand theories.”
“Oh, this one’s good, darling,” Alice purred, leaning forward. “What if the old gods were assigned to each zodiac sign? How would their personalities match up?”
Loki raised an eyebrow. “Is this one of your… chaotic little games?”
“You bet,” Alice answered, her grin wicked. “Ready to have your mind blown?”
Rumple groaned. “If you say ‘mind-blown’ one more time—”
“Shut it, Rumple. This is happening.” Alice snapped her fingers, and the Magical Zodiac Wheel of Deities appeared in the air.
Aries: Ares, God of War
“Obviously Ares,” Alice said with a dramatic eye-roll. “He’s got the fire, the aggression, and the guilt-free violence that would make an Aries so proud.”
Loki chuckled. “True. Always in the middle of a fight, all about power. They’d probably love it.”
Rumple, unimpressed, muttered, “I can’t argue with that.”
Taurus: Demeter, Goddess of Agriculture
“Oh, come on. You think a Taurus wouldn’t be a goddess of abundance and earth? Demeter’s all about the earth, the gardens, and of course—stubbornness when it comes to protecting what’s hers.” Alice gave a mock pout. “She’d never give up the harvest, no matter what.”
Loki laughed. “Sounds like a Taurus. Unstoppable. You’d never get them to change their mind once it’s made.”
Rumple nodded. “Fair. Can’t argue with that either.”
Gemini: Hermes, God of Mischief and Messenger
“Gemini? Hello, Hermes,” Alice said, flicking her fingers like she was tracing an invisible path. “Fast, clever, mercilessly charming, and a master of talking out of every situation. He could definitely talk a Gemini into anything.”
Loki smirked. “Mercury in Gemini, huh? Now, that’s a match.”
Rumple shot a glare. “More like ‘master of chaos.’”
Cancer: Hestia, Goddess of Home and Hearth
“Cancer is all about emotions and nurturing,” Alice began with a dramatic sigh. “And who better than Hestia? She’s the goddess of the home, the keeper of warmth and care. If Cancer were a god, this is the goddess they’d be.”
Loki grinned. “Totally. The ‘mom’ of the gods. Soft on the outside, but you cross them and see how fast that caring warmth turns into fire.”
Rumple chuckled. “I can practically feel the tears now.”
Leo: Apollo, God of the Sun and Music
“Leo? Apollo,” Alice said without hesitation. “The god of the sun, music, and all things dramatic. Leos are practically born with a crown on their heads, and Apollo’s not much different.”
Loki leaned back, nodding. “You’d definitely catch them making grand speeches about their greatness.”
Rumple just shook his head. “Oh, yeah. Leos love the spotlight.”
Virgo: Athena, Goddess of Wisdom and Warfare
“Athena is the Virgo god,” Alice declared. “The strategist, the analytical mind, and a total perfectionist when it comes to defeating anyone who challenges her.”
Loki snorted. “Virgo and Athena are one in the same. You’d better be perfect, or she’ll fix your flaws before you even know they exist.”
Rumple rolled his eyes. “I bet she has a list for every situation.”
Libra: Aphrodite, Goddess of Love and Beauty
“Aphrodite, of course,” Alice said with a wink. “Balance, beauty, love—Libra and Aphrodite were made for each other. They’ll manipulate any situation to make everyone happy... until they get bored and move on to the next one.”
Loki looked at her with a smirk. “Sounds like fun. I like where this is going.”
Rumple scowled. “Doesn’t sound fun to me.”
Scorpio: Hades, God of the Underworld
“Scorpio is all about power, mystery, and control,” Alice said, arching an eyebrow. “Who else but Hades? He rules the Underworld, cold, distant, and magnificently secretive.”
Loki raised a glass. “I like how you think. Hades is the *ultimate Scorpio—powerful, intense, and always keeping a secret or two.”
Rumple added, “And with that kind of intensity, you'd never be bored.”
Sagittarius: Zeus, God of the Sky
“Zeus, of course, is the Sagittarius god,” Alice explained. “Bigger than life, always on the move, banging his hammer, and full of philosophical quotes.”
Loki snorted. “Sounds like the ultimate know-it-all.”
Rumple raised an eyebrow. “Ah, yes. The one who loves his freedom and messing with everyone else’s.”
Capricorn: Cronus, God of Time
“Capricorn, Cronus. The god of time. Ambitious, controlling, and constantly moving toward their goals—even if it means sacrificing everything in their path.” Alice smirked. “Yeah, that’s a Capricorn trait right there. Can’t stop until they have it all.”
Loki nodded. “Or until they’re in charge.”
Rumple chuckled darkly. “Or until they’re swallowed by their own ambition.”
Aquarius: Prometheus, God of Fire and Creation
“Aquarius is all about the revolution,” Alice began, leaning forward. “Which means Prometheus, the god who stole fire from the gods and gave it to humanity. The true innovator, always looking for something bigger and better.”
Loki grinned. “Sounds like an Aquarius. Always ready to change the world, no matter the consequences.”
Rumple sighed. “A little too bold for my taste, but I get it.”
Pisces: Poseidon, God of the Sea
“Lastly, Pisces, the dreamers, the deep thinkers. Who else but Poseidon?” Alice said with a flourish. “He rules the vast and unpredictable ocean, always dancing with the waves of change. A Pisces god would be just as mysterious and shifting as the tides.”
Loki nodded sagely. “A bit off the deep end, perhaps, but totally fitting.”
Rumple huffed. “Well, that’s all very... convenient, isn’t it?”
Alice grinned and turned to Loki. “A bit too convenient? I’m sure they’d say it’s fate.”
“Or trickery,” Loki added with a knowing smile.
And just like that, the gods of the zodiac had been cast in their true forms, revealing that even the oldest deities weren’t above the influence of the stars.
🖋️✨📜🖤
