The Immortal Gazette: Ragnar Lodbrok - The Viking Legend and His Loves
The studio of The Immortal Gazette was in its usual state of organized chaos. Papers flew about as enchanted quills scribbled on their own, a spectral coffee pot poured itself into a mug labeled World’s Most Exasperated Editor, and Rumplestiltskin was already pinching the bridge of his nose as Alice and Loki exchanged a look that promised trouble.
Rumple slammed an old, rune-covered book onto the table. “Today’s topic—Ragnar Lodbrok.”
Loki smirked. “A warrior, a trickster, a king—how very relatable.”
Alice sipped her tea. “Not everything is about you, Loki.”
Rumple ignored them. “Ragnar Lodbrok was a legendary Viking hero, warlord, and king of Denmark and Sweden. Some say he was real, some say he was a patchwork of different Norse leaders, and some say he was just a wild boast that got out of hand.” He paused. “But what we do know? His life—whether fact or fiction—was bloody, brutal, and utterly fascinating.”
“Now you’re speaking my language,” Loki said, lounging back in his chair.
Alice raised a brow. “Let’s start with his wives—because Ragnar’s love life was almost as dramatic as his conquests.”
Lagertha—The Warrior Queen
“Ah yes, the shieldmaiden,” Loki mused. “Lagertha. A woman after my own heart.”
Rumple sighed. “Lagertha was a fierce warrior, said to have fought beside Ragnar when he battled to avenge his grandfather, King Siward. He was so impressed by her skill in battle that he decided to woo her. Naturally, she wasn’t interested.”
Alice grinned. “Smart woman.”
Rumple continued, “So, to prove himself, Ragnar fought a bear and a massive hound guarding her home—barehanded. That impressed her, and she married him.”
Loki tilted his head. “Or she figured, If this madman is willing to wrestle a bear for me, he might be worth keeping around.”
“Either way, they had children together,” Rumple said. “But, as Ragnar’s ambition grew, so did his desire to marry into royalty. So he left Lagertha and sought a new wife.”
Alice frowned. “Let me guess—she didn’t take that well?”
“Oh, she took it fine,” Rumple said. “Until later, when she killed her new husband, took his army, and seized the throne of Norway.”
Loki let out an impressed whistle. “I like her even more now.”
Thora—The Woman Who Named Him
“Then came Thora Borgarhjört,” Rumple said. “She was the daughter of a powerful earl, and her father promised her hand to any man who could kill the serpent guarding her home.”
Alice raised a brow. “And, of course, Ragnar took up the challenge.”
“Of course,” Rumple nodded. “But instead of fighting the beast barehanded this time—lesson learned, apparently—he boiled his breeches in tar so the serpent’s venom wouldn’t penetrate.”
Loki laughed. “Clever and fashionable.”
Alice smirked. “And that’s how he got the name ‘Lodbrok’—Shaggy Breeches.”
“Exactly.” Rumple flipped through the book. “He married Thora, but tragedy struck—she died of illness. Heartbroken, Ragnar threw himself into war and conquest.”
Aslaug—The Prophetic Queen
“But then,” Alice mused, “came Aslaug.”
Rumple nodded. “Aslaug was said to be the daughter of the dragon-slayer Sigurd and the shieldmaiden Brynhildr. She was raised in secret, but when Ragnar met her, she proved her wit and intelligence with a riddle.”
“Oh, I love riddles,” Loki said. “What was it?”
“Ragnar demanded she present herself neither clothed nor unclothed, neither hungry nor full, and neither alone nor in company.”
Alice’s eyes sparkled. “And she nailed it.”
Rumple smirked. “She arrived wrapped in a fishing net, eating an onion, and accompanied by a dog.”
Loki clapped his hands. “Brilliant! I like this one.”
“She became Ragnar’s true queen,” Rumple said. “She warned him not to invade England, foreseeing disaster. But did he listen?”
“No,” Alice and Loki said in unison.
The Downfall of a Legend
Rumple sighed. “And that’s how he ended up in King Ælla’s snake pit.”
Alice set her teacup down. “Oh, right—his final words.”
Rumple’s voice dropped into an ominous tone. “‘How the little piglets would grunt if they knew how the old boar suffers.’”
Loki chuckled. “Which basically meant: My sons are going to burn your kingdom to the ground.”
“And they did,” Rumple said. “Bjorn Ironside, Ivar the Boneless, Hvitserk, and Sigurd Snake-in-the-Eye unleashed the Great Heathen Army upon England, wreaking havoc in Ragnar’s name.”
Alice nodded. “So, was Ragnar a hero or a power-hungry warlord?”
Rumple folded his arms. “Probably both.”
Loki grinned. “A man who could fight, deceive, and inspire? I rather like him.”
Alice smirked. “Why am I not surprised?”
Rumple groaned. “Can we please keep this discussion about Ragnar and not an excuse for you two to—”
“To what?” Loki said, leaning ever so slightly closer to Alice.
Alice casually took another sip of tea.
Rumple slammed the book shut. “That’s it! Next week, we’re doing a story with no war, no flirting, and absolutely no tricksters!”
Loki and Alice exchanged a knowing glance.
“Good luck with that, Rumple,” Alice said sweetly.
Loki just grinned.
And so, The Immortal Gazette closed another issue—filled with myths, mayhem, and a distinct lack of editorial peace.
🖋️✨📜🖤
