Rapunzel: The One Who Wasn't Allowed to Leave Her Tower... Ever
↪ Fractured Fairy Tale
Okay, so let’s start with the setup. We've got Rapunzel, who is, let's be real, stuck in a tower because some random witch (who I’m sure has a delightful backstory) decided to lock her up there for her own protection. Now, let’s break this down. She’s been trapped in this tower her entire life. Not like “oh, I got a cool Airbnb for a bit” — nope, this is a prison where she’s lucky if she gets a fresh breeze and maybe a tiny bit of sunshine if the witch feels like it.
Rapunzel has this ridiculously long hair (it’s like a weird fetish at this point) that she lets down so the witch can climb up the tower. You know, like how you casually ask someone to climb your hair every time you want a visit. Totally normal, right? Except that’s the only way the witch can get in—through a hair-ladder. And yeah, Rapunzel's just cool with this, because… um, she’s been trapped since birth. So, it's her normal.
So, enter the handsome prince who, instead of doing what normal people would do—you know, call the police or use a ladder—he stands there and watches Rapunzel’s hair fall down the tower like it’s some kind of medieval circus act. But hey, he’s a prince, so he just climbs up this lady’s hair because that’s what princes do in these old tales. Who needs common sense when you can scale a woman’s hair like it’s a climbing rope?
And Rapunzel? She's like, “Oh hey, random dude, I’ve been locked up here for my entire life and have no idea what the outside world is like, but sure, come on in, let me entertain you.” I mean, I get it—she’s lonely, but at the same time, girl, he's a total stranger. He just showed up, climbed your hair, and you’re all “Yay, I’ve got company!” Like, maybe ask a few questions before you invite him over? Just saying.
Anyway, so they’re all happy and romantic, because who wouldn’t fall for the guy who climbs up your hair every day, right? But then—plot twist—the witch finds out (of course) and totally loses it. She cuts off Rapunzel’s hair and banishes her to a desert because that’s the logical thing to do when your magical hair gets cut off. So now Rapunzel is in the middle of nowhere, no prince, no tower, just a whole lot of desert sand. Because, of course, she’s been literally in a tower her whole life. So much for that escape.
Meanwhile, the prince? He’s blind. Yeah, you heard me. The witch does some crazy voodoo, and he falls into thorns, gets all blinded and miserable. And where does Rapunzel find him? Of course, she’s wandering around the desert, and somehow, out of all the places on Earth, she just happens to run into him. Cue the reunion music and they live happily ever after, because that’s how real life works, right?
➡ The Takeaway
Look, let’s break this down. This whole thing is wildly unrealistic on so many levels. We’ve got a girl who has spent her entire life in solitary confinement (and apparently she’s cool with it), some prince who’s really bad at making decisions (hello, climbing random lady’s hair?), and a witch who makes questionable parenting choices. And then there’s the part where they’re just casually walking through a desert with no resources and find each other like it’s nothing. What a convenient plot twist!
The real takeaway here? Sometimes, fairy tales aren’t just about the romance, they’re about really poor life decisions, questionable parenting, and bad relationships (looking at you, prince and Rapunzel). If you’ve learned anything from this, it’s probably that if you want to avoid a life in a tower, maybe don’t trust people who cut your hair and lock you up in towers. Also, if someone offers to climb your hair, don’t let them. There are other ways to meet people—like, you know, in person, without the weird rope-ladder scenario.
Rapunzel: The Reluctant Vampire
Rapunzels Version Of Her Fairytale Story
Let’s set the record straight, shall we? I’m not the golden-haired damsel you thought you knew. My life didn’t wrap up with a “happily ever after.” Nope. My so-called “savior” turned out to be a NightStalker—yes, a vampire. And me? I’ve been undead ever since.
Here’s how it went down:
Locked in that ridiculous tower, I had plenty of time to fantasize about my rescue. Along comes a handsome prince—charming smile, flowing cape, the works. I let down my hair, literally, thinking, Finally! My knight in shining armor! Little did I know he was just luring me out of one cage into another.
We rode through the woods on his horse, the moonlight shimmering off his too-perfect skin. It was all very dramatic, very romantic... until he veered straight into the Dark Forest. I started to get nervous—no, scratch that, I was terrified. The trees whispered secrets I wasn’t supposed to hear, and shadows moved like they were alive.
That’s when he showed his true colors—fangs and all. Before I could even scream, he bit me. “It’s better this way,” he said, like he was doing me a favor. Spoiler: he wasn’t.
Life as a Vampire: A Passive-Aggressive Nightmare
So here I am, centuries later, a vampire against my will. I keep to myself, avoid the drama, and try not to be noticed. Trust me, it’s not out of fear—it’s pure annoyance. I didn’t ask for immortality, bloodlust, or the constant dread of someone recognizing me from those dumb fairy tales.
And the hair? Oh, it’s still long and luxurious, but now it’s more of a shimmering silver-black, which honestly, I like better. The prince—if you can even call him that—thought I’d be his undead bride. As if. The moment I realized I was strong enough to fend for myself, I ditched him. Haven’t seen him since. (If I do, he’ll wish he’d stayed in his crypt.)
Mad, but Mostly Meh
Look, I’m mad about the whole vampire thing. Who wouldn’t be? But I’m not one for making waves. I spend my nights wandering, trying to figure out what to do with eternity. It’s like being at a party you never wanted to attend, but leaving isn’t an option.
Do I drink blood? Yeah. But I’m picky about it. No NightStalker nonsense where they terrorize towns—ugh, such drama. If I could, I’d just live off coffee and sarcasm.
➡ The Takeaway
Not every rescue is what it seems. My prince was no hero, and my “freedom” came at a steep price. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: you can adapt to anything—even eternity—if you have to.
And if anyone brings up my tower days again, they’ll find out just how sharp my fangs are.
Rumplestiltskin: No Comment
Oh, you’re expecting me to weigh in on Rapunzel the Vampire? Yeah, hard pass. I may love chaos, but I’m not stupid. You think I’m going to poke fun at someone who’s basically a ticking time bomb of eerie calmness and razor-sharp fangs?
Not a chance.
I mean, sure, I could make a snide remark about how she went from singing to squirrels in a tower to brooding in the shadows with her mysterious “I’ll drain you dry if you annoy me” vibe. But do I want to be her midnight snack? Absolutely not.
Nope. No way. Not today.
➡ The Takeaway
Even I, the infamous trickster and chaos-bringer, know when to keep my mouth shut. And Rapunzel? She’s officially on my Do Not Mock list.
Let’s just say, not every fairy tale is worth ripping apart—some are best left lurking quietly in the shadows... like her.
Pssst... Anything I said earlier is our little secret.
A Fractured Fairytale Brought to You by 4EverMore and Bloodthorn Publishing And
The Immortal Gazette
These aren't your typical modern day fairytale stories. Our fractured fairy tale stories are created and Brought to you by The World of 4EverMore and Bloodthorn Publishing, where stories, tales and myths are reimagined, rewritten, and broken into pieces, we offer you a world where magic isn’t always pretty and endings aren’t always sweet.
